A Love Letter to All Vaguely Attractive Males in Public Spaces
Do you ever think about what strangers look like naked? Because that’s kind of what I’m doing to you right now. I hope you don’t mind, or have the ability to read minds because then I am, as they say in the common parlance of our times, screwed. And not because I’m objectifying you. I’m really not, in fact I picked you because you are perusing through the linguistics aisle of this bookstore and I read some book by Derrida a couple years ago, which means I like linguistics too (right?). Ok, maybe I don’t know anything about linguistics, but you look vaguely attractive and vaguely intelligent and therefore I want to proposition you for a precursory-fuck-affair.
Or whatever they call coffee dates these days.
Did I mention that I read a book by Derrida? Anyways, I hope you don’t think I’m watching you, because I’m not. I’m in the political science section and very occupied with my interesting book about Henry Kissinger. If you do look over here to check on that though, I’m going to run away into the New Age aisle so please assume I’m not spying on you.
Do you like really bad Thai food? Do you think mac os’s are kind of shitty? Do you have low self-esteem problems that might make me feel better about my social anxiety? Say yes, because, Vaguely Attractive Male, I’m in love with you. It’s true. I love the way your unwashed hair looks in this awful lighting and I will come back to this book store for hopes of seeing you in all your beautiful disheveled glory.
Too bad you just bought that book. Guess I’ll catch you again tomorrow and we can start all over.
It’s been rough,
WHOEVER BUYS THIS FOR ME WINS MY ETERNAL LOVE
I OWN THIS
EVERY MORNING HE SAYS SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT HOW THE WORLD NEEDS YOU AND YOU HAVE TO GET UP
AND WHEN YOU PRESS THE BUTTON TO HUSH HIM HE SAYS “DEFTLY DONE, MADAM,” OR “IF IT’S NOT TOO FORWARD OF ME, THAT DID TICKLE, MADAM”
IT WAKES YOU UP WITH THE SOUND OF CHIRPING BIRDS BEFORE STEPHEN FRY’S VOICE
EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE ONE
THIS IS LIKE JARVIS.
A REAL JARVIS EXCEPT HE’S A CLOCK.
5 Things They Don’t Teach you in Highschool:
1) You’re going to leave the house at 2AM, 16 with nothing in your pockets but 50 bucks and a bus ticket. It won’t feel real. You’re going to think you’re leaving, but you aren’t going anywhere.
2) Swallow your fucking pride and go back inside. Lock your bedroom door, put your hands over your ears, bring your knees to your chest and when you’re ready, let your walls disintegrate and the sadness flood in, because baby I promise you, you’ll feel better if you just let yourself drown. Even if it’s the third goddamn time that week.
3) He’s going to taste like Newports, Trident spearmint and desperation. You’re going to taste like Lime-a-Rita’s and anxiety. You will tell yourself you need this. But you don’t. I promise you. You don’t. You don’t.
4) You’re going to have girlfriends who fall for boys who treat them like absolute shit. Do not learn from them. If a boy calls you a bitch, spit in his face and leave.
5) Do it even if it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. Even if you’re still convinced that he was hiding galaxies beneath his skin. Because baby I promise you, he was the always dark night sky and you were always the full moon. No question bout’ it.
|—||Abbie Nielsen (via flaews)|
Thank the Lord.
Your words are just as painful as mine. I don’t know what I’ve done but I’m feeling one in the same.
Also good for the kids. They encourage having slow readers read to the family pets. A dog will listen to a kid read a whole book one damn sssyl-la——-ble at a time, and it will never get frustrated, or correct their pronunciation, or start playing Angry Bird because it can’t stand listening to the slowness any more. The dog will look at the kid approvingly, because, human. Human is talking. Human is interacting.
So this is a great win-win.